Ten Things
by heartorbrain
Summary: Ten Things we don't know about Noah Eli Puckerman. Chapter 3 NOW UP!
1. Chapter 1

**Ten Things**

Okay, so I gotta admit, I'm an asshole.

But I'm not as much of one as some would expect, okay?

You see, nobody really knows me, they only think they do. Which kinda pisses me off.

I may not like everyone, and yeah, okay, so I have (once or twice…three times tops) smacked some nerds around; but I'm a not total douche! I have feelings. Which is why I'm writing this…to myself. Because yeah, I got feelings but that doesn't mean I'm gonna, like, share or some pussy shit like that. Fuck no.

This is a list of ten things nobody knows about me. Ten things that people automatically assume is true about me, but actually aren't the case at all. And, maybe ten things I sometimes wish people did know about me, because even though I love being a badass (three times of smacking losers around notwithstanding) I also wish people would lay off you know?

So here it goes…

As much as girls (and woman let's not forget my pool business) like to say I do, I don't go commando.

First off because, like, fucking gross; and second, fucking OW! What would happen if my zipper caught? Precious stuff down there, man!

I rarely sleep with Santana.

Yeah, so she's got a nice rack. So does half the rest of world. She just likes to say I'm banging her because it makes her look cool, and I let her cause it's easier than explaining to my boys why I'm not. Bitch is a bitch, okay?

I had a twin brother.

His name was Aaron. Guess Mom thought it was symbolic. Noah and Aaron. He died of lymphoma when we were five. He was my best friend. When he died, I couldn't understand why. He was always the better of the two of the us, why didn't God take me?

My first time…wasn't consensual. Or at thirteen.

I was seven. It was at a neighbor's my mom left me with when she worked. One day they had a sixteen year old there cutting their grass. He trapped me behind the shed, and stupidly enough I was afraid if I didn't do what he said, he would feed me to the lawn mower.

That wasn't the first or last time I've been…raped.

After Dad skipped out three years later, my mom was always piss ass drunk. So, of course, she had piss ass drunk boyfriends. I'd rather not remember the rest, and not hear about why that's the reason I became basically a whore. Just like I'd rather not talk about how I had to put out for Coach Tanaka after practice once when the guys were gone. Or how dirty he made me feel when he gave me twenty bucks and reminded me I was. (And that may or may not be why I was never really into whether or not we won)

I actually did like Rachel.

So sure, she talks fucking nonstop, but once you learn how to understand what she trying to say it makes sense. When we dated for a week, I kind of wanted it to last longer. Rachel was one of the very few people (besides Finn) that made me feel like I wasn't a total waste of space. Because yeah, she talks to you nonstop about fucking everything and it can become irritating, but it's better than being completely ignored.

I'm actually really smart.

Seriously, I have a 3.9 GPA. I "skip" all my classes and don't get detention cause I can just take the tests.

I've tried three times to kill myself.

First when I was six. I couldn't deal with losing Aaron, and the car was coming fast enough… The third leaving me in the hospital Finn yelling at me for being so stupid.

I'm bisexual and I never wanted to ridicule Kurt for being gay.

I really don't have much to say to this. I don't even know if bi is the right word. The truth is I've loved a lot of people, and I've only ever been hurt by them. So I guess my philosophy is one of em is bound to like me enough to stick around long enough to get past the initial fuck, right?

I've been in love with Finn since I met him in kindergarten.

Finn is perfect, and loving, and everything I wish I had. I would totally be his bitch if he'd only give me a shot. I swear, with all of my experience he'd be in sex paradise. But even though every day I stare at him, standing next to "Quinn Bitch" and I've got Santana hanging off of me like a leech, it doesn't change that he won't ever love a guy like me. Someone dirty and has a lot of history with the depressing.

But like I said, no one knows about any of this. Sometimes, I guess, it's just better to be alone. And sitting here in Juvie, holed up in a cell writing to myself, I feel pretty alone. But the worst part is, I'm gonna leave Juvie, and everything is going to be the same.

My name is Noah Eli Puckerman, and yes, I'm an asshole.

But I'm not a total asshole…and Finn won't ever know that, will he?

**Thanks for reading! Please review!**


	2. Chapter 2

Sorry this took so long. I've had writer's block. YUCK! Anyway I'm not entirely happy with it. Puck is a tad OOC...I don't maybe it works. LMK what you think! I love to hear from you :)

~heart

**Chapter 2**

Two weeks after writing myself that fucking embarrassing note, I am out of jail and standing in front of a mirror in the boys locker room, freezing cold, red colored slushy dripping down my face and all over my clothes. For the first time in a really long time, I'm honestly fighting the urge to cry. But not because of humiliation, though there is certainly a fuck ton of it…but because as I was getting this facial dropped over the top of my newly shaved head, Finn was standing about twenty feet away watching.

Watching!

When I had come in this morning, I did everything I could to be as inconspicuous as possible. It felt as if everyone were staring at me, silently saying "Hey look at _that_ loser. He just got out of Juvenile Detention for trying to rob a convenient store!"

First of all, that isn't what happened.

I was with some friends after a party, drinking myself stupid trying to forget about Beth, when they had the grand idea to go get some cigarettes from the 7/11. I went along cause I had nothing better to do, and one of them drove the car through the window cause the place was closed for repairs or some shit. The ATM fell through the windshield, and the guys scattered, but not before placing unconscious me in the driver's seat. So when the police showed up, with my record, they just assumed it was me.

And the fact that I couldn't remember enough of that night added to my lack of credibility, so I got left holding the bag.

But I've decided not to dwell on it too much. Juvie was hell, but I can forget about it if everyone let's me. So I made it my mission to just ride with the wave and be under the radar…not draw attention to myself. As I got to my locker, I spotted Finn chatting with some blonde dude I didn't know, and I was instantly jealous. Why wasn't Finn coming over to talk to me? Didn't he miss me at all?

And then I heard my name called before SPLASH! Slushy facial all over me. Finn turned his head when I made a noise of surprise at the cold, and our eyes met (mine stinging from the corn syrup).

So many thoughts flew through my head, mostly centered on how Finn must hate me so much he doesn't even bother saying anything to defend me, or in encouragement to me…he just simply turns around with his normally cute pinchy face before walking off. I had never felt so dirty before in my whole life. Not only was I covered in slush, for no other reason than Azimio deciding I needed to be welcomed back properly, but the man I've wanted my whole life to truly notice me made the decision I was completely not worth his time.

Which brings me back to why I'm standing in the locker room (hiding out) and sniffling like a god damn school girl…or Rachel.

I snort. Okay so that was really kinda mean. Rachel's surprisingly has been the only one to act like she gave a damn about whether or not I'm okay since coming back this morning. After, of course, she gave me an earful over leaving the team sans one important member and risking our chance of winning; but she's Rachel, I honestly expected that.

After ten minutes of letting myself wallow in self pity, I decide it's probably time for me to clean up. I curse when I realize I don't have a fucking change of clothes. Shit.

FP~FP~FP

Three hours later sees me at lunch time, eating on the bleachers out in the field. With the exception of Rachel, nobody has really said anything to me at all, and it kills me even more inside when the same holds true for Finn. You know, even though a lot has gone wrong between him and I, I would have thought that at the very least he would ask me if I was okay. Or try and clarify what actually happened that night. Even the night Quinn and I had sex.

He doesn't know the whole story, my conscious screams. He can't hate me because he doesn't know the truth.

And he doesn't want to know.

He made that perfectly clear months ago.

I pull my knees up to my chin as I feel a light drizzle on my face. I've always like the rain. It's calming. But I hate thunderstorms. Mom's boyfriends always used to do…_stuff _during thunderstorms. Because then Mom would be drunk enough that any noise I made would be blocked out by the lightening and winds. This thought makes me bite my lip and shake my head miserably.

Finn has every right to hate me. I hate me. I'm a horrible, disgusting human being.

"Any reason why you're outside while a storm's brewing, Puck?" It's Mr. Shuester. Somehow I figured he'd wanna talk to me soon.

I shrug. "Any reason you're out here asking me about it?"

So yeah, it's bitchy, but I feel pretty bitchy. Mr. Shuester just draws his lips inward from amusement. Guess he's used to my smart ass comments.

"Glad to see your sense of humor hasn't changed." He sits next me, and I shift. Peeved.

"Who says I'm being humorous?" I shoot back and drop my knees, trying to puff myself up a little more. If he pushes me too far, I'll run.

He doesn't respond, just looks at me glaring at him. Then I break the contact. Mr. Shue has like Jedi mind-reading powers, and my mind is closed off to everyone. I don't need him prying.

"How are you, Noah, really? I've been watching you today, you look really depressed."

This makes me laugh in disbelief. "I just got out of Juvie only to be publicly humiliated in front of the whole student body and then all of my so called friends act as if I don't even exist." I glance at him in derision, "If it were you, how would you feel?"

"Like I'd wanna talk to someone about it." He answers seriously. I look away.

"I've got a court appointed therapist, but thanks." I sound snotty, but it doesn't seem to affect him in any way. He just looks ahead.

We're silent for a while, and distantly I hear the warning bell. I don't care though, it's my free period anyway.

"We've missed you, Noah." His voice is so soft, I barely hear it. He looks over at me. "Finn missed you."

I gasp as I look into his knowing face. There's no judgment, just a fatherly sincerity that makes me almost sick with mortification. I stand up and gather my things, it's too much. Too close. Schue has _no _right calling me out like that. And worse, what if Finn… I turn around and send him a hateful look that I swear has him shift uncomfortably. "I wish people would leave me the hell alone. You don't know me, and you _never_ will! And don't you _ever _call me Noah! When in the fuck have you earned the right? You aren't my father, and I didn't ask you to pretend to be. So fuck off, Schue." Briefly I feel like I sound like a two year old throwing a temper tantrum, but fuck it.

As I start to storm off, I hear his sigh and call of, "But I could get to know you if you'd talk to me, _Puck_."

This makes me stop. Usually people give up after I tell them to back off, so why doesn't he? I half turn back to see his face. He actually looks like he cares, it makes my stomach drop. I turn back around and glare at the ground, but the fight in me left. "Just leave it, Mr. Shue."

I feel him come to stand beside me, and not for the first time, do I notice that he's slightly shorter. He begins to speak, but I cut him off. "_Please_," I don't care if begging isn't badass. The last thing I need right now is for an outside party to get involved in my fucked life.

I only need Finn. But Finn hates me, so I need _no one._

Mr. Shue finally lets me go, and I sigh in relief. Some things are better left alone. I'm better alone. And walking away from those bleachers, backpack slung over my shoulder, rain falling at a steadier pace, miserable letter to myself stuffed in my back pocket to remind why I'm a loser, and insides all twisted around in knots…I definitely feel alone.

FP~FP~FP

For the rest of day I kinda wander. No direction, really, just bobbing and weaving teachers so they don't ask why I'm not in class. Eventually I wind up sitting in the auditorium. For some reason, this has always been the one place I feel safe. Maybe it's because of the stage. When you're on stage, no matter how much everyone hates you, they can't reach you. So you're free to just…be, I guess.

I don't know I'm shit for philosophical reasonings.

I get up to sit on the bench behind the piano. Only Finn knows I play. Really because his mom forced him to take classes, not that he ever did anything with it, and I happened to be grouped into the same one as him. It was fate or something, cause that's how we met. He couldn't figure out even basic scales worked and the teacher was always yelling at him, so I showed him because I knew how awful it felt to be yelled at by an adult.

"She's the dummy," I had told him, "sometimes it can be really hard."

I smiled at the face he'd given me after that.

I look down into the keys, touching them with an airy finger. It's been awhile, but…

I tap out a G chord, smiling at the booming it released throughout the large room. Wow, it really has been a long time. Clearing my throat, I tap out some keys, letting the world fade away solely focusing on my fingers and closing my eyes. I can almost feel a crowd watching me with interest. It fills my heart with joy.

I hum and start.

_He drowns in his dreams  
>An exquisite extreme I know<br>_

I don't know why I chose this song, but it just feels right. Getting bolder I increase my volume.

_He's as damned as he seems  
>And more heaven than a heart could hold<br>And if I try to save him  
>My whole world could cave in<br>It just ain't right  
>It just ain't right<br>_

I imagine Finn, and my joy turns to sorrow. Inflicting the tone of the words, my eyes welling up, even with them closed.

_Oh and I don't know  
>I don't know what he's after<br>But he's so beautiful  
>Such a beautiful disaster<br>And if I could hold on  
>Through the tears and the laughter<br>Would it be beautiful?  
>Or just a beautiful disaster<br>_

And I guess that's the question, right? Holding on to the fantasy. Will it only hurt me too?

_He's magic and myth  
>As strong as what I believe<br>_

He really is.

_A tragedy with  
>More damage than a soul should see<br>And do I try to change him?  
>So hard not to blame him<br>Hold on tight  
>Hold on tight<br>_

But I don't know if I can. So instead of trying to I put heart behind belting the words out as much as I can.

_Oh 'cause I __**don't**__ know  
>I don't know what he's after<br>But he's so beautiful  
>Such a beautiful disaster<br>And if I could hold on  
>Through the tears and the laughter<br>Would it be beautiful?  
>Or just a beautiful disaster<br>_

I play for a minute without singing, letting my emotions just guide me and take me where I want the music to go.

_I'm longing for love and the logical  
>But he's only happy hysterical<br>I'm waiting for some kind of miracle  
>Waited so long<br>So long  
><em>

I hear a door open, but I don't stop. Just soften, playing out what I feel is right. I also hear footsteps, and tears begin to spill over.

_He's soft to the touch  
>But frayed at the end he breaks<br>He's never enough  
>And still he's more than I can take<em>

_Oh 'cause I don't know_  
><em>I don't know what he's after<em>  
><em>But he's so beautiful<em>  
><em>Such a beautiful disaster<em>  
><em>And if I could hold on<em>  
><em>Through the tears and the laughter<em>  
><em>Would it be beautiful?<em>  
><em>Or just a beautiful disaster<em>

_He's beautiful_  
><em>Such a beautiful disaster<em>

_[Fading]  
>Beautiful<br>(Beautiful disaster)  
>Beautiful disaster<em>

With the final chord I break down, softly sobbing, ignoring the person calling my name. The voice is so familiar.

**Thank you for reading, please review no matter how you feel about it! I apreciate all comments!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Thank you all for such a great turn out with reviews! This has become my most requested story and I'm so HAPPY! Special thanks to Rain for helping me put my thoughts together. I really needed that. This chappie is a little short, but don't worry, it's going to get longer. Once again thank you please keep reviewing. **

**~heart :)**

**Chapter 3**

It took me a few minutes to become fully aware of my surroundings again. I had underestimated how much I needed to just let all of that sobbing out; but the arms I found myself in were strong, almost burly, and after looking around through tired and tear filled eyes, I found myself on the floor which left me confused. I jerked back with a start and then blushed furiously when I saw the face of who those comfortable arms belonged to. What the fucking hell-?

"Puck, are you okay?" the deep voice asked me gently, and I stood up on damnedably shaky legs to put some distance between me and my "savior."

I wrapped my arms around myself protectively and collected my bearings as best I could before taking to my usual way of dealing with him. "Karofsky," I practically hiss in anger. "What the hell do you think you're doing?"

He actually looked somewhat hurt by my aggressiveness towards him, but after the way he's treated me and my friends I can't say I found any sympathy for him.

"I heard someone crying," he said softly, like he's dealing with a caged animal. "When I opened the door and saw you, I got worried."

"Oh give me a break," I scoffed and I turned my back to him while sitting back on the piano bench, rubbing at my nose with the back of my hand.

"It's true," he replied with a little more force and sat next me, facing the opposite direction to give me some space.

A few moments pass before I growled, "Well you got your free show, and don't worry I'll be looking for the YouTube video." I pushed myself to stand back up and he was about to protest, but I cut him off. "Look, we aren't friends, jackass. And I have no qualms in beating in the shit out of you, you get me?"

His face twists a little in annoyance. "I was just trying to be nice." And then after another second, all of what I said seemed to have caught up with him and he looks a cross between confused and amused. "You know the word 'qualm' and can use it correctly in a sentence?"

I ignore that add-on statement, because really I have no reason to explain to Dave Karofsky of all people how I'm not a dumbass. So instead I wipe the remaining snot and tears from my face with as much dignity as I could. "Yeah, I'm sure you're just 'trying to be nice.' You mean, just like Azimio was 'just trying to be nice' by dropping a slushy over my head this morning. I don't need your brand of 'nice,' thank you."

And with that I begin to storm off stage, but amazingly enough the big turd catches up with me. Does nobody respect me anymore?

He jerks my arm to make me look at him, and I draw back my fist to start making good on my earlier threat but he holds up a defensive hand making me pause. "I've never been to Juvie, so I have no idea how you feel right now."

Okay, what?

"And I know we have never gotten along, and I also know that it's mostly my fault."

Eyebrow.

"But this isn't a game, Puckerman. I wanna make things right. When I saw you crying, it…it just made me realize that even badasses like us get hurt."

I look away from him, slowly dropping my fist feeling slightly exposed.

"And then it made me think that if I was ever hysterical like that, nobody would care. And I just…I just didn't want you to think nobody did."

"That's extremely sappy," I sniffle still not looking at him and dropping some more of my rigid posture.

He smiles slightly, "Yeah, I know. But even _jackasses_ like me can grow up."

I eye him suspiciously for a minute. He seems to be telling the truth, but with the trust issues I have, George Washington could be telling the truth and I'd blow him off. "Why should I believe you, Karofsky?"

"You have no reason to." He replies honestly. "I've been horrible to you and your friends. But I want to make up for it by telling you, if you ever need someone to just, I don't know, talk to…I'm here. And I do care."

I nod once slightly dazed that this conversation is actually happening and it's not some weird ass, fucked up dream, before replying, "Apology unofficially accepted," with a slight smile.

He smiles back and sticks out his hand for me to shake. Which I do, if a little awkwardly, then turn to leave. This time to no disruptions.

On my way out of the auditorium I debated with myself over whether or not I should go to Glee. I really didn't feel like facing anybody, and with Finn still having yet to say one word to me I'm leaning towards no. Huh, friends, right. Not to mention I feel like shit, and I'm just this side of shaken up and blown away that Dave Karofsky was actually, for once, not being a jerk. Huh. I guess some would say, "Weirder things _have _happened." Although, I'm not entirely sure.

Walking down the hall I avoid any and all eye contact. I felt like everyone could just tell I had spent time balling my eyes out like a girl, and it made my nerves sit on edge. I wanted to lash out. Yell at them. Scream at them until I was hoarse, that "Hey, I'm a person!" But it wouldn't matter, much like it never does. Nobody wants to know _**me,**_ they want what they know _**of**_ me.

And yeah, so that does make me fucking depressed, so what?

Once I reach my locker, I make a cursory sweep of my surroundings and notice Mercedes and Tina chatting near the choir room door, occasionally smiling at the other members who walk through. My heart lurches. I'm right here, and none of them notice or say a word to me. Am I really that unimportant? Then I see that blonde haired kid again and my blood starts to boil.

They replaced me. They replaced me with that-that pretty boy! Finn has a new best friend, and Glee has a new member. They don't need me. Any of them!

"Noah, are you coming?" Rachel snaps me out of my daze as she softly tugs on my shirt trying to lead me over to the group. She looks sincere, but that doesn't really matter at this point.

"Who is that ass?" I ask crudely and point an accusing finger in Blonde-boy wonder's direction.

Her eyes widen at my language, but she gracefully ignores it. "That's Sam Evans. Finn got him to join shortly after you got arrested."

Shortly? I bite my lip to keep my emotions in check. "Oh."

"He's from Tennessee. His dad moved here for a better job. They live over in the Dominion," Dominion? That's like, the 90210 of Lima… "and he's also on the football team, so you'll probably like him a lot, considering you both have so much in common. Not to mention he is a guitar player too…" I kind of tune her out after that.

So this _Sam _is rich and attractive and play guitar and football and probably has this sickeningly sunny disposition that makes it impossible to hate him…shit. So they really did replace me, didn't they? Guess Mr. Shuester was wrong when he said Finn missed me.

"…which is why I wanted to discuss with you, doing a duet. Finn's always busy right now, what with Sam and he becoming friends…"

Nail in coffin. Made up my mind, no Glee for me.

"Rach," I start and she looks at me with big, brown eyes. It amazes me that even after all we've said to one another, she is still one of the only nice people I know. "I think I'm gonna sit out for awhile. It isn't like you guys need me anyway. Tell Mr. Schue I said was sorry, but he was wrong this afternoon."

And with that I shut my locker, grab my bag and head out to my truck. Once I get hom I take out the folded letter to myself and read it again. I really am a loser.

**Thank you for reading! Please review!**


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